


Apastron

by Caraina (xxCarainaxx)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, But you had to see that coming, F/M, Implied Relationships, One-Sided Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2019-04-06 07:29:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14051964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxCarainaxx/pseuds/Caraina
Summary: He was almost convinced that you would burn the light back into him.He was almost convinced he should let you.Written for the January 2016 Fic Trade for Bleu Wales on LunaescencePrompt: "We can only admire the beauty of the stars because they are far away; any closer, and they would destroy us." -Elissa Cox





	Apastron

**Author's Note:**

> Apastron: The point of greatest separation of two stars, such as in a binary star system.  
> That counts as being poetic probably.  
>   
> So I made this story angsty... if you were somehow expecting this to not be angsty, I don't think you know who Kylo Ren is?  
> There is literally just a whiff of sexy times. Like, real, hard-core sexytimes, but wayy in the distance as you're passing it really quickly and you're looking at it through a foggy window.  
>   
> So that's a thing.  
>   
> Reviewing is ~~not~~ medically proven to make your crush like you.  
>  Like most of the things I love, I don't own Star Wars.  
> ________________________________________________________

When he first met you, you were a scrappy 12 year old. 

You had escaped the First Order's grasp on your home planet, and after all of your bartering, trading, and fast-talking, you had finally made your way to the Resistance base.   
He watched in interest as you were presented to his mother. Though there were tears in your eyes, you stood there, defiant, and you glared hard at General Leia Organa, herself.

"You've come a long way, and I _am_ impressed, but we don't recruit ki-" she tried to tell you. 

"I'm not here to fight," you interjected. Silence hummed between the two of you as you stared each other down. "Where I'm from, fighting wouldn't do much good anyways. I'm here because... I-I...' You let out a slow breath before dropping to one knee and bowing your head. 

"General Organa, please help me to become a Senator." The silence pressed in louder, so you kept going. "If my people can't revolt, if they can't fight for things to get better, then they need someone important to change the rules for them. Help me become someone important."

His heart was thundering in his chest at your words. Even with tears in your eyes, even at your very lowest moment, with everything on the line, you seemed to shine with such a brilliant determination. 

In their downtime, the younglings always liked to play that they were fighting famous Sith Lords, or shaping the worlds as famous Jedi Knights, but here you were, actually working to _do_ something. In the end, his mother agreed to take you under her wing. 

 

~~~~~~~~~

 

Although you studied hard every single day, you somehow made time to be friends with him. The both of you relished in finding another person with dreams as big as your own. With your tireless hunger for knowledge on your path towards the Senate, and his unprecedented skills with, and knowledge of the Force, the two of you tackled every obstacle in your way as equals.   
As the years went by, you comforted yourselves in the knowledge that the two of you would be pillars of a new age.

And then came Snoke. 

Snoke helped him understand.   
The light side of the force had blinded them all.   
Snoke helped him see. 

If he wanted the power to make a difference, to change the galaxy, the dark side of the force was the only way to get it. His grandfather had had the right idea, but the light side had blinded him, seduced him, until he had lost his way. To finish what his grandfather had started, he would have to be careful.

Of all the people in the universe, he knew that you would understand. If anyone understood the idea that victory required sacrifice, it was you. 

But you didn't understand. 

You were afraid, and immediately got his mother involved. 

The two of you fought non-stop after that. 

You became more and more unreasonable. You asked him to give up his quest for power, told him he wasn't listening to reason. You, his unwavering star, suggested that some sacrifices required too much to be considered. 

He hated that even as your friendship hit an all-time low, his love for you burned stronger than ever. 

He backed off.   
You were too fragile for such a harsh road.   
It was unfortunate, but you would only hold him back. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

He had done it. He had eliminated the younglings, halting the ruin they were destined to bring through their abuse of the force.   
He had ensured the growth of an age of prosperity. 

But you didn't see it that way. 

Standing in the field of tall grass, he felt the warm night wind whip past him as you pounded on his back, sobbing. 

"BRING HIM BACK!! BRING BACK THE BOY WHO FOUGHT FOR GOOD. GIVE BACK BEN YOU **MONSTER**!" 

He raised his hand, and you froze, mid swing. He rolled his shoulder and concluded that it would most likely bruise after your treatment. He turned to face you. Though you could not move, your eyes followed him as he circled around you. 

"[Firstname] [Lastname]... I know that you see what I've done as a heinous crime." He stopped in front of you and gently cupped your face with a blood stained hand. "I'm truly sorry that you don't understand it yet, but it _is_ me, [Nickname]. This is me, fighting tooth and nail for good."   
He cupped your face with both hands now and leaned his forehead against your own, closing his eyes. "I know it's hard from where you are," he whispered, "but if you can trust me, I'd like to take you with me. I can show you everything that he has shown me, and we can fight for a better future, together." He stayed there for a moment, before running a hand through your hair. With that, he took a few steps back and released you. You collapsed to your knees with a pained sob and curled into a ball.

A small flicker of panic emerged. Had he hurt you? It was true, he had never practiced freezing an entire body with the power of the Force, but he didn't think there would be any ill-effects... 

He was cautious as he approached you. He wanted to sift through your mind, but he still held foolish notions that your thoughts would surely burn through him. So instead, he settled for the old fashioned methods. 

"Did I hurt you?"

The wind whistled, somehow louder in the absence of your reply. After a moment, he heard it.   
You were laughing. It was low, bitter, and entirely devoid of warmth. 

"This is really you, isn't it?" Your mirthless humor was turning, once more, to tears. "You really think you're doing the right thing..." 

He chanced approaching you further. "I _am_ doing the right thing, [Nickname]. Let me show you. Please, just take my hand." He held it out to you. 

The wind whipped your hair every which way. He noticed that you were rocking slightly, but he didn't comment on it. He just waited with patience. He had little patience for those who would slow him down, but for you, he would wait forever. 

Just when he was thinking he ought to check your breathing, you creakily uncurled from your fetal position. With shaky limbs, you reached out and grabbed his hand. 

His traitorous heart flipped in his chest as he supported your weight, and you rose from the ground.

The next moment seemed to happen in slow motion.   
There was a glint of polished metal, a flash of red, and your warm body falling into his arms. 

Your features were soft as you slept. He was also inexperienced in putting people to sleep, but he seemed to have done it correctly. He crouched and lay you gently in the tall grass. The silver of the blaster still glinted in the moonlight. He kicked it. While it had missed him, there was no telling who had seen the stray bolt fly into the night.   
He didn't have long.

He looked over your soft features. Your eyes had already started to get puffy from all of the crying you had done. If anything, your attempt to kill him, for he knew that without his reflexes, you would have succeeded, made him smile. In the end, it seemed that you were stronger than him after all. While he was standing around, waiting for you to join him, you were stealing your courage to strike him down as nothing but the next obstacle.

He placed his lips reverently over yours, and he must have imagined it, but he could have sworn he could feel something in him burning. As he pulled away, he touched his face to find it wet with tears. Yes, it seemed appropriate that he shed tears now. This would be his last act of weakness. This would be his farewell to Ben Solo. He pressed his lips lovingly to your forehead before getting to his feet. As panicked voices came closer to them, he offered you one last half-smile before stealing into the welcoming arms of the night.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Kylo Ren was supposed to be meditating. 

At least, he would have been...  
It shouldn't have been this hard to shut everything out. He had done this a million times before with little to no struggle. Yet somehow, ever since he had interrogated that idiot of a pilot, it was impossible to think of anything other than you. 

After years of pushing you out of his mind, of diligent focus in many other important areas, you had showed up in the thoughts and memories of some smart-mouthed nobody. 

The whole ordeal unsettled him. The way the pilot had paled when memories of you appeared... The way the man had struggled against his bonds and shouted through the power being exerted on him... All he had done was show the slightest interest in the memories of you, and the pilot had come undone. 

He felt a vicious stab of pride as he thought on the man. What did Poe Dameron even know of you? 

But the pride was short lived. This man knew a lot of you. According to his memories, he knew your small smiles, your laugh, and your eyes.  
This man knew your dreams and supported them so completely. He knew your moods and how to navigate them. 

While it was slightly aggravating to have such an obvious loose end waiving in his face so blatantly, this shouldn't have bothered him, and it didn't. 

What bothered him was that this man knew you carnally. 

 

Kylo Ren was supposed to be meditating, but it was so difficult. It had occurred to him, of course it had, that you were an attractive woman. After you had finally become a Senator, he had gotten a glimpse of a picture of you. You stood tall, confidence clear in your every angle. You were wrapped in tight-fitting robes, your hair twisted into elegant knots, and your face painted with the markings he had seen you practice in the mirror so many times as a child. 

Even in a picture, your eyes had the power to burn right through him. 

For several nights after that, his traitorous brain had concocted wild dreams where he was privileged with the chance to wipe the paint from your skin, smooth your hair from its twists, and pull the robes from your form.   
Dreams where you would call his name into the night.   
Dreams where you were his.

He growled in frustration as memories of holding your soft skin with someone else's hands appeared to him. Whispers of the wrong man tasting your lips badgered him.   
Worst of all, echoes of you calling the wrong name mocked him.

This idiot's lascivious thoughts danced through his head. 

Kylo Ren gave up on meditating.

 

~~~~~~~~~

He was almost to Takodana, where the droid had been spotted, when it happened. 

There was a spike of fear, confusion, despair, and then silence.   
The New Republic had been squashed.

He let out a breath he did not realize he had been holding. While this was quite the victory for the Order, it also served to free him of you.   
Surely you had been on Hosnian Prime for its destruction.   
Your passion for Senate work was unparalleled.  
Surely you would not have robbed him of this.

Even from so far away, he could feel the change in energy as the planet's core ignited. He smiled to himself underneath his mask. For someone who had burned with so much determination, with so much inner strength, and conviction, he could not imagine a better send off. 

 

 

Though you would now always be his star, you would haunt him no longer.   
You could destroy him no more.

They touched down on the planet's surface, and darkness took its place in his heart.


End file.
